Have you ever felt truly and deeply loved by our Heavenly Father? The kind of love you know in your heart is true even if it is beyond human comprehension and discernment? Have you ever experienced Him directly talking to you, urging you on, telling you that it’ll be alright? Have you ever, in this empirical world that places value on what our eyes can see, experienced this?
Sometimes when we pray, it may feel like we are directing our thoughts and repetitive petitions into a blank space, an imaginary construct taught to us by our parents that has been passed on from their elders and generations before them. Sometimes it may feel like a one-sided conversation, and in the course of this difficult life one may even think the exercise futile especially when things don’t go our way. There may have been a point in your life when you have questioned His very existence - “is God even real?” or “why pray to a God who doesn’t seem to listen?”
For many centuries, faith has always been a controversial subject. While I am no expert in the matter, I can only speak and attest to my experiences. And my testimony is this, that in my relatively short life of 33 years, God has made me feel His love and security, proving again and again that HE IS REAL, punctuating the mundaneness of my life with episodes of whispered love and encouragement, one time showing me a dream, all the time affirming that He is constant and never-failing.
That whenever I feel that He is absent, it is actually me who is.
In this entry, I chronicle all the times I have felt God speak or impress something on me. Moments of randomly feeling immense love or getting a thought that came from nowhere, of which there could be no other explanation other than that they came from Him.
I hope this would encourage you, my dear reader, to record your own such moments. <3
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows--this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Psalm 68:5
Even before I came across this verse in my adult life, I have never really felt that I was fatherless growing up, though the structure of society would say that I was. God assigned me to be born into a close-knit family of which there were many father figures - my grandfather, my Ninong Raemond, uncles and an older brother who have always watched over me. I have never felt lacking - somehow in my child mind and heart I knew that above all the other earthly daddies, there is an Almighty One who is always there, a dependable, loving father who never misses a single thing.
My Mama and Lola made me join the chapel choir when I was six. I actively sang every Sunday until high school, and it was during one of those celebrated masses when I suddenly felt an inexplicable yet profound sense of being loved, thoroughly and immensely, to the very core of my being. With my mouth open in mid-song, it was as if an unseen, magnanimous person suddenly hugged me with so much warmth and affection. I felt so loved, deeply and wonderfully. I couldn’t explain it - I remember just being so struck with wonder that tears fell from my eyes.
This happened when I was probably in Grade 6 or early high school.
In early 2015 on one of our wedding planning trips, we were traveling back to Manila from Baguio and I was mulling over all the things that still needed to be done. I was looking out the van’s window and gazing at that beautiful mountainous landscape when a calming thought suddenly came to me. It said,
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything.”
There was peace that came with the thought, and after it.
And indeed, He did take care of our wedding. He made it into one of the most beautiful life experiences that I will always be grateful for: two beautiful days of love, laughter, and cherished fellowship with my husband, our families and friends.
In April 2017, I had a gig in Balesin. Someone in the audience requested for the classic song, What a Wonderful World. I happily obliged, at the last minute and without much thought changing the lyrics to:
“I’m gonna hear my baby cry
I’m gonna watch her grow.”
My intention was to personalise the song. What I didn’t expect was to feel this (again) inexplicable surge of energy as I sang those two lines, as if I knew it was really gonna happen. Again, I was stunned after that experience, storing the memory in my heart yet not thinking much of it; but yes, cherishing the thought that someday I would get to watch my daughter grow.
At breakfast the morning after, our booker Ate Kathy said, “Nag-prophetic ka kagabi a. Naramdaman kita.”
January of this year, while we were preparing to fly to Manila from Bacolod, Joey asked me to bring one of the cars to the Dan’s office. My in-laws live in a beautiful village with a lot of trees, and on my drive to the office as I was gazing at the greenery, another calming thought from out-of-the-blue came to me, once again wrapping me in warmth, wonder, and serenity:
The next time I’ll be in Bacolod, I’ll be pregnant.
I kept that gem in my heart anew, not sharing with anyone but looking forward to its fruition, knowing that at any time I’ll find myself back in Bacolod. True enough, I was invited to sing at a wedding the following month. Joey wasn’t with me though, yet excitedly I awaited if I was indeed pregnant.
Disappointedly, I wasn’t. I then regarded that incident as a halluccination, that my mind was probably just playing tricks on me. I tried to forget about it.
Until the following month when both Joey and I went home. I was pregnant! Turns out there was a hidden “Joey and I” clause to the impression: God fulfilled His promise not just to me but to both Joey and I. Kailangan pala, magkasama kami. :)
August 18, 2014
I had a dream. In my dream, I was in a Catholic church. There was a girl sitting beside me on the pew and we were both looking up at the statue of the crucified Christ. She's my daughter, I just know she is. To her, I was explaining:
“This is how I first came to know God.”
When I woke up, the name of the prophet Isaiah was on my mind.
And so it came to pass that on April 2 of this year, Joey and I found out we were pregnant. I had a name for a girl coming from that dream, and try as we might we couldn’t think of a name for a boy. Last Sunday, July 15, we held a gender reveal party.
Guess what? We’re having a girl. <3
You can also probably already guess what her name would be. :)
All of these precious and personal God stories and you would think I have never wavered in my faith. But such is my frail and fickle human heart.. I'm just really thankful that He calls me to go back to Him time and time again, to relive those moments when He has been faithful, and to continue to trust that He will always be.
What about you? Have you heard God whisper to you? Have you felt His love? :)